Monday, 8 December 2014

Day Fifty-Nine


1. A morning at school...an afternoon on the sofa


Today is another of those days when it is hard to find the energy and concentration to write on here, let alone three pieces. Let’s see what we can do though..

It has been a tiring day. Because he goes to school on his TPN, Wills has to have a qualified nurse with him. It is really difficult to find paediatric nurses to staff community packages with children like Wills. We are lucky enough to have two fantastic women but they both finished at the end of last week to go home for Christmas in Africa. The agency have been unable to find nurses to staff shifts for the next two weeks so I took William in today. I can’t take him every day so we planned to talk to his teacher and see what days over the coming fortnight will be most important for him in terms of the work and, of course, the all important Christmas parties.

School is, of course, important for Wills but the time he is at school with his nurse also enables me to get on with my own work and have a break while someone else is taking care of William’s needs. This is important for both of us as we need a break from each other from time to time. It’s fun and interesting to take Wills into school from time to time though and today, it proved to be an important eye opener too.

For several weeks now, Wills has been shattered from the minute he gets home from school and falling asleep very soon afterwards. I took it as a few bad days at first but it has become his new norm. Today, I saw just how busy and intense year six is for him. A spelling test, reading group, literacy hour, numeracy hour, all before lunch time and that was enough for him I could see. He was visibly pale and struggling to concentrate at the end of the morning. His teacher told me he has noticed Wills has been struggling more in the last few weeks so we agreed that he needs more half days a week next term than the one he has at the moment. For the next couple of weeks, Wills and I will do a mixture of half days in school, working at home and some Christmasy trips out. I think a lot of time will be spent like this;





Wills cosy on a bed I made up for him on the sofa with his iPad or Christmasy films on TV while I work on my laptop on the chair nearby. It’s festive in a cosy way with all the decorations, lights and Christmas tree around us. We’ll enjoy this time of year as best we can and make plans for the new year when it comes around.


2. Time Bites


I found this among some bits and pieces I wrote last time we were waiting for Williams first transplant. Someone had asked me if I could share with them a photo that sums up waiting for William's transplant.





There are a few images that I think do that but perhaps this one is a good one. Every night, I have the same routine. I have a nice cup of something to help me relax my body and read a book for a while to empty and relax my mind. Making sure my phone is beside me is the last thing I do before I settle to sleep. The book title says it all too.


I love the retro phone there!! I should re-enact that photo for this time round! I think I need to re-adopt that practise of a nice cup of something and reading to empty and relax my ind every night before I go to sleep too! That can start tonight.

3. The lonely poppy


Today, I received my poppy from The Tower of London Installation ‘Blood Swept Lands and Seas or Red.’ It was a birthday present from my parents. I haven’t seen any of the individual poppies yet, or the packaging they come in. It was really very moving to open. The packaging is really well done and seeing that one little poppy that was part of such a huge sea of pottery blooms made think about the individual it represents.






It was hugely poignant seeing all those thousands of poppies as an illustration of the vast number of soldiers lost in WW1 but, somehow, seeing just the one made me think more about the actual person. Each of those poppies represents a life lost, a family in mourning, an empty chair and empty bed. It looks very lonely on its own and that made me think about how lonely it would have been for those men in their trenches. They had comrades but they would have felt small and alone at times too I’m sure, not least at their time of death.

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Day Fifty-Eight

2. Christmas hospital traditions



It has been a fantastic weekend. Yesterday was just wonderful and magical and today has been another fun and festive day. I’m now sitting in the living room, in front of the Christmas tree and surrounded by decorations with Ellie. We’re watching a repeat of the Christmas Gavin and Stacey and talking over Christmases past. I’m sipping on mulled wine too which is heavenly. It’s lovely and cosy but we are both feeling nervous.

For some reason, Christmas seems to be William’s tummy’s favourite time of year to misbehave, and it’s not to do with the food or any of the things that could make the rest of us a bit under the weather. It’s just one of those things. Our big set back that led to William being back on TPN and back on the transplant list happened just after Christmas, in fact, it all started on New Year’s Eve, bringing our festivities to a very abrupt end. A couple of years before that William was feeling unwell on the last day of term, the morning of his Christmas assembly.  He was determined to go in and take part and I watched his stoma bag fill and him look increasingly pale. It was December 20th and we were in hospital by bed time. We worked out a plan to make the most of Christmas day with friends offering to bring Hope and Ellie to us in the hospital early in the morning and William’s dad and girlfriend lined up to take over at the hospital in the afternoon and take the girls and I back home so we could have Christmas dinner in the evening. But during the night of 23rd we were transferred to Birmingham. Before William’s transplant we spent several Christmases in hospital.

Christmas in hospital is always disappointing (although I will make an exception to that this year if we are in hospital following a transplant!). We have always tried to make the most of our Christmases spent in there though and have some happy and amusing memories of canteen Christmas dinner eaten out of polystyrene take away trays with plastic cutlery, hiding Father Christmas presents in hospital rooms and bays waiting for Wills to get to sleep and all the fantastic staff, volunteers and visitors who do so much to make our Christmasy as great and magical as possible.

Having spent so many Christmases in hospital we have picked up some things along the way that have been built into our traditions. Chelsea and Westminster hospital (AKA our ‘Chelsea Pad’ and so much our second home before William’s first transplant that we spent more time there than in our real home) is bang opposite a Carluccio’s. They Christmas range is amazing and we ended up eating and giving lots of their goodies that year. I bought a big panettone and opened it for my Christmas Day breakfast with a big mug of freshly brewed coffee. This has remained my special ‘me time’ moment of Christmas. My coffee and panettone. The Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special is another one. It was first shown in 2008, the Christmas after William’s first transplant. His dad came up in the afternoon and the girls and I went over to the parents accommodation, then in the Thistle Hotel as they were building the Ronald MacDonald House. I had put up a mini tree and bowls of chocolates and crisps ready for us and we spent a wonderful girly evening. They were a bit young for Gavin and Stacey then but were amused at bits of it and at my giggles so we all ended up giggling together, munching on Quality Streets. Gavin and Stacey became firm favourites as the girls got older and got the humour and the Christmas one has always had a very special place in our hearts.

2. Christmas Fair 

After a lovely day of winter wonderland magic yesterday, today was equally magical with William’s school Christmas Fair. His school really go to town with their Christmas Fair and it’s a huge highlight of the year. I’m a bit nervous of big groups of children at the moment after our recent chickenpox contact scare when we learned that just being in contact with the dreaded pox would mean three weeks suspended from the transplant list. Contact for Wills means 15 minutes in the same room as someone with chickenpox, or who goes down with it within the next couple of days. So Wills and I went off to the fair with a plan that we’ll have loads of fun and just keep moving - five minutes in each place and we should be OK. It did mean that he couldn’t join his friends in playing the part of Santa’s elves or waiting in the cafe but at least we got there and we had lots of fun. The grotto was simply magical and I did pretty well in the bottle tom bola and will enjoy sharing my prizes with visitors in the run up to Christmas.

We stayed at the fair for about an hour and half but it was enough to wear Wills out. He was asleep very early again. It's getting bit too consistent for my liking now. Seeing him along side the other children today made it easier for me to see how he is lacking in energy and vibrancy these days. I can't wait to see him firing on all cylinders again. I just hope not too many burn out while we wait for his new wonderful gift.






3. Wisdom from Stan 


A Christmas special ‘Dinner Ladies’ has now replaced Gavin and Stacey on GOLD and, just as I was thinking about what to write next, I heard this;

“Them wires were in a dreadful tangle yesterday but they’re flashing away this morning so there’s a metaphor for you.”

Stan in Dinner Ladies after Bren has told him about a complicated evening.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Day Fifty-Seven

1. Perfect Strangers



Yesterday, I mentioned a parcel I had received that got me thinking about what hope means to me and remembering Emily Dickinson’s wonderful poem that sums it up so well.

One of my favourite magazines is ‘Oh Comely’ It’s just so fun and quirky. You never know what to expect in it, other than it will be beautiful and something in there will inspire some creative activity or other. A few months ago, I discovered a wonderful project Oh Comely do every now and again called ‘Perfect Strangers.’ The idea is that you register online to commit to send a stranger a box of goodies. Some suggestions are given and it’s all very typical of Oh Comely - a mixture of comforting things like winter drinks, candles, chocolates, sweets, wooly socks etc and more quirky, arty and original things like a photo copy of the contents of your handbag or a disk or memory stick of your favourite songs, photos, quotes and audiobooks etc. I thought it was an awesome idea and just what I could do with to give me a bit of a boost at the moment so I signed up immediately and waited for the day to come when we would be assigned our stranger and given a little bit of information to go on to help us put together a box especially for them. 

I was matched with the beautiful singer and musician, Miriam Watson from Ireland. Miriam is heaps younger than me but I discovered she has loads of things in common with me, such as writing songs and music and some of our favourite bands and artists too. I really enjoyed putting a box together for her and choosing music to go onto a special disk. My box from Miriam arrived yesterday and it was amazing. I really did get a perfect stranger. I was so touched with how personal it was and how much love and thought she had put into matching her gifts and her words to our situation. It was like having another rescue box and some of the things are already in the rescue tin that I turn to to lift me out of the bad days. Among goodies like ginger biscuits - with salted butter too (yum!), sherbet lemons and some amazing sounding tea, Miriam put in a beautiful card which is on the notice board above my desk and will come with me to Birmingham when the time comes, a photo frame with the word ‘HOPE’ on the paper holding the place of the photos, some amazing fairy lights which are up and cheering me no end and a memory stick with some amazing photos, quotes and, best of all, Miriam’s beautiful music. 


I kept meaning to check her out on YouTube was I was putting her box together but never quite got around to it. I was really pleased I didn’t because it meant it was new to me when I heard the tracks on the memory stick. One of these is a beautiful song called ‘Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained,’ which Miriam said in her letter would help me when I’m having a bad day. It’s a song written for Enable Ireland and released to raise funds so do check it out and buy it. There are some lyrics that really touched me and are perfect for William and I.

“I know you’ll pull through the fight
With all of your courage…”

and 

“You’re al the strength I need”

I’ve said all along that Wills is leading me on this journey. He wanted to go for this transplant right from the start and he has bought us along with him. We look to each other now for strength on the bad days.  The memory stick is also in my rescue box. 

Here is Miriam’s beautiful song and video but please don’t just listen on YouTube. Go and buy it and support her and Enable Ireland.






I think Miriam has a fantastic career ahead and am looking forward to seeing where my ‘perfect stranger’ goes from here.
If you're interested, the next perfect strangers project is in May. I'll be taking part again for sure. 




2. Go through the wardrobe into the woods...


Today, Wills was at the opera with this dad. His dad and his wife are professional opera singers and she was in an opera for children today, apparently about aliens. Wills went along, giving me a Saturday off stoma bags and TPN. I decided to get out with a friend and have a bit of a break. My first thought was to go to Southbank for their Winter Festival but this includes a train along the Thames which Wills will love. We also had a later start than planned because I ended up waking at 11! Unheard of but clearly needed. So we decided to stay a bit more local and have a late brunch and walk in the beautiful Coombe Gardens and Woods and then wander up to the top of Addington Hill.

People think of Croydon as a bit of a concrete monstrosity but we also have several extensive woods and hills. A five minute hop on the tram can take you into a completely different world. Today, I felt like I really was in a new world, almost as if I had walked through my wardrobe into Narnia. Everything was so frosty and beautiful and there weren’t many people around either. It was cold but if you stay in during the winter months you miss so much beauty. It was a perfect afternoon with the frosty woods and gardens and we got the most beautiful display of twinkling ‘fairy lights’ as we watched dusk fall over the whole of London from the view point at the top of the hill. Oh, and our late start served as well too as the lunchtime rush had cleared by the time we had our, er, brunch and we got the prime spot on the sofa in front of the open fire. I think today should become a Christmas tradition, as long as the weather can provide the frost, or even snow for us.














On the memory stick in my ‘perfect stranger’s box was a beautiful picture of sunset over the sea in Miriam’s gorgeous little town. I was thinking of you today Miriam when I took this picture of the sun setting over London. It’s a panorama of the city from the view point. 







3. Dusk brings dawn...



This beautiful quote from Amma came up on my Facebook wall today. It’s perfect for me today and something else that is going into my rescue box.





Friday, 5 December 2014

Day Fifty-Six


1. Another Friday, One of the lucky ones

Another Friday already! Where on earth has this week gone?? Maybe those strange noises so many of us heard on Saturday night were something to do with time stealing!

As always, a Friday marks another week on the transplant list. Another day when look back and think of all those people who haven’t made it to the end of this week waiting for transplant. Another day to be thankful and grateful that we are still here and Wills is still well enough to go to school and enjoy most of the things he loves to do. He may be needing more sleep and rest to compensate these days but remains as determined to live life to the full as ever. In fact, I’m not even allowed to say he has fallen asleep before bed time at 8.30. He won’t admit or acknowledge it. Instead, we have to say he was ‘deep in thought!’ Of course, he says that with his cheeky grin, knowing full well what the term is code for.

So we are full of gratitude today and my thoughts are very much with those 168 people who have died waiting for their transplants while we have been on the list, and the 168 families who are facing a Christmas without them.

2. Sharing tears and 'brokeness'


We’ve been getting ready for Christmas this week. We got our tree on Tuesday and it is already filling our living room with the lovely smell of pine oil. Today, I put up the lights and garland on the fire place. We have had these decorations for years and put them back in the same place every year. Woe betide me if I get the main features of our Christmas wrong, although we do enjoy adding a few things each year and changing some of the bits that complement the centrepieces - the real tree and the mantlepiece garland and lights.

This year I noticed too of the baubles, representing the holly berries on the garland, had broken and their remaining portions had become caught up with each other. They were so entwined that they looked like one bauble and I was confused for a while as to why I couldn’t untangle the garland. These two baubles made me think about how many of my friends who I really love and value as an integral part of my life share the same, or very similar,  ‘broken’ bits as me. Because we ‘get each other’ and understand these cracks and scars we are comfortable together and know the things each other will appreciate from a friend. Shared experiences are so very important and among these people are friends who have been on similar journeys to William and I with their own children and families.

I mentioned a wonderful book ‘Life’s Little Detours’ a few weeks ago. It is a book that I was drawn to during a book shop trip from hospital with Wills because the title seemed to sum up my life so well. The title alone helped me look in a different way at the stops and starts and different pathways I’ve been forced to take so many times when I became mum to a child with chronic health condition. One of the chapters in the book has the title; “Cry with Someone. It’s More Healing than Crying Alone.” I thought of that and re-read it after my little moment with the broken baubles. The author, Regina Brett, was once trying to conceal her tears in a counselling session and was told to stop. That they were beautiful and expressive. Tears are powerful and healing and even more so when they are shared and when we cry together with people who share the same pain. So often in life we hear the phrase ‘don’t cry!’ That phrase is something I’ve never heard said among my fellow broken baubles. When we see each other cry or are tell each other we’ve been crying you’re far more likely to hear us say good, it’s good for you. It’s something we should all do more as humans. Of course we all need comfort but offer the chocolate as comfort after the tears, rather than as a comforter to stop them.

3. Hope

I received a lovely parcel today which I will write more about tomorrow when I have had time to properly look at everything and think about it all. One of the items was photo frame that had the word ‘Hope’ on the paper serving as a spacer before the photo is added. It made me think more about the word and what it means. I was googling an image to go with a piece about hope and re-discovered this beautiful poem by Emily Dickinson.

Hope

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

Emily Dickinson




If you are not on the organ donor register, please do click here for more information and to sign up.




If you are enjoying this blog, please help me to keep going and help crowdfund my Three A Day: Waiting project  and get some lovely postcards and an anthology, limited for only those who support and invest in the project.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Day Fifty-Five


1. The story behind the first missed day on the blog


Yesterday was the first day I missed a day on this blog. My brother was so surprised he thought we must have got the call. No, we haven’t yet although I am hoping more as the days go on that today will be the day. I missed the blog because, this time yesterday, my living room looked like this!



I was in the midst of sorting out eleven more of our ‘Christmas in a Box’ hampers from our charity, William’s Wishes. I couldn’t stop until I’d finished sorting out all the presents into piles for the right age children in the right families, together with gifts for the parents and lots of Christmas decorations, crafts and goodies. It took mw well into the early hours. Most people would be able to leave the piles as they were until next day but William wakes early and has to get around with his TPN on a drip stand with wheels and so I had to clear everything to enable him to get around and ready for school.

It’s been a wonderful project to work on to be choosing and packing up goodies with lots of love and sending them on to families, knowing a little of what they are going though and how much joy the parcels will bring. It’s also be fantastic to be able to motivate so many others to join in and see our original plan of eight small boxes grow to sixteen very much bigger ones. It has bought a great start to the Christmas season, centring on what Christmas is all about. I can take a big huge sigh of relief now it’s all done though. My worst fear was getting the transplant call with all that all over the place. I would have struggled to sort out what we needed to take and I doubt anyone would have been able to jump in and make sense of it all.

2. As the days go by..


I mentioned that I am hoping more than ever as the days go by that we get the call. Wills is still amazing but his stoma output is consistently up at around two litres a day now and the nurses that look after him at school have been commenting on how much it is and how much more than at the start of the term. He is also going to bed straight after school, resting with his ipad and then falling asleep at around six several times a week. I think we’ll have to look at him going into school more part time next term so he has some energy to enjoy home as well. I really want him to get his new wonderful gift when he is as strong as possible. Most people on the transplant waiting list will decline whether steeply or gradually as William is. This is why we need more people to say yes to giving that amazing gift of life so more people can get their gifts without having to wait too long. In the meantime, the best we can do here is to keep Wills going as normally as possible so he stays as up and positive as he is doing.

3. One of my favourite quotes 

This is one of my favourite quotes.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller

We need to take the time and be in each moment long enough to feel it with the heart. I’ll be writing this in my journal as something to remember to do.

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Day Fifty-Three


1. #XmasListin3Words


Today on twitter the hashtag #XmasListin3Words has been trending all day. Now I don’t like Xmas at all as an abbreviation but that’s been the tag. It’s very easy for me to give my Christmas list in three words;

“Gift of Life”

The very best Christmas present for us at all right now would be from William’s new donor.

Wills was just four when he had his first transplant and one of the most moving moments was a month later, at Christmas, when he said to me;
“What was the best present I had this year that Father Christmas didn’t bring?”
I wondered and wondered what it could be and listed things others had given him and then he answered;
“My new tummy!” I was amazed at his thinking at just four because it straight from him, no one had talked to him about it in that way. I looked at him this evening,  when he was flat out asleep by six despite it being a half school day, his stoma pouring out and looking a bit grey around the eyes and I thought to myself that it would be so wonderful if we had the same special Christmas gift again this year.


2. #EndSlavery



Yesterday, I shared here a piece I wrote for Cosmopolitan Magazine a few years ago about  human trafficking. It was absolutely amazing to meet and interview Oxana. Thankfully, very few of us will ever experience the catalogue of absolute horrors that she has been through.  The fact that she is still here and breathing is a testament to the incredible strength we can find deep within us when we really need it. If you missed the blog please do hope back a day and read it for yourself. If you are going through your own trials and challenges read Oxana’s story and be inspired that you can survive, you can come out the other side of the most horrendous of things.

Oxana survived in the end because she found people from the charity,  Eaves For Women’s POPPY programme who rescued her, held her hand through the processes she needed to go through and helped her find herself again. I spent some time at Eaves as a journalist, learning and writing about the incredible work they do and the women they help. The team were amazing. The office was one of the most positive work places I have ever experienced. It was a real environment of (mainly) women showing authentic love and compassion for other women, feeling their pain and often becoming angry, and expressing this anger on their behalf. I spent time in the office and visited women in one of the refuges the charity provide. I was shocked to learn about the extent of human slavery and abuse that goes on in our own country, in normal homes that could be on your street.

Human slavery and trafficking is an area I’ve followed with interest ever since and I was really pleased to learn of the Global Freedom Movement inspired declaration that was signed by world faith leaders at The Vatican today. The declaration states;

We, the undersigned, are gathered here today for a historic initiative to inspire spiritual and practical action by all global faiths and people of good will everywhere to eradicate modern slavery across the world by 2020 and for all time.

In the eyes of God*, each human being is a free person, whether girl, boy, woman or man, and is destined to exist for the good of all in equality and fraternity. Modern slavery, in terms of human trafficking, forced labour and prostitution, organ trafficking, and any relationship that fails to respect the fundamental conviction that all people are equal and have the same freedom and dignity, is a crime against humanity.

We pledge ourselves here today to do all in our power, within our faith communities and beyond, to work together for the freedom of all those who are enslaved and trafficked so that their future may be restored. Today we have the opportunity, awareness, wisdom, innovation and technology to achieve this human and moral imperative.

You can read more about this and who signed today here, where you can also add your own pledge and signature to the declaration.



3. Love and see love

My guru, Amma, was among the leaders who signed the declaration to end slavery today. She was there as a representative of the Hindu faith but her speech, as always, talked about faith in general, rather than centring on her own tradition. She, once again, talked about love as the heart of all faiths and the importance of spiritual teaching in school as the centre of ‘lessons in life,’ serving to teach children how to grow up into adults who love others. She explained that this kind of education should go hand in hand with the ‘lessons in living,’ that train children for professions and trades. Amma talked about how love heals and about showing love and compassion to victims and perpetrators of slavery as the only way of ending it. She said we need to recognise the love of the divine in our own hearts and in others, whoever they may be. If we learn to live like that, we can begin to heal.

This reminded me of a story I came across in the time I worked as a psychology manager in the prison service. I worked for the London Area Office, managing psychological services across all the London jails. I was sent to Feltham Young Offenders Institute for a week to investigate the work done on the ‘intensive care’ wing, for boys who were struggling to behave on the general wings and prepare a report and recommendations for the future. I interviewed many of the boys there, some who were still struggling and others who were improving and working towards being reintegrated with their peers on the general wings. One of these was a young man who told me about the things he had done before coming to Feltham and during his time there. He had really struggled with his behaviour and caring about the impact of his actions. This boy had completely turned his behaviour and his life around on the unit and not because of the programmes he had been taking part in. He had come down with flu there and the simple actions of the officers, one in particular, in looking after him and showing him genuine love and compassion had motivated him to change. He told me he had never had anyone care for him like that before and he wanted to change from that moment on and learn how to love and care for others like that. He said it had made him feel good and had taught him how he could make others feel good too. This is exactly the kind of thing Amma was talking about when she said we can show others love and heal hearts.

Amma travelled to Ireland following the London visit I was so lucky to have been part of. She was welcomed there by Thomas Pringle, MP in Ireland’s Government. In his welcome speech, he talked of the number of people who had received her darshan, her hugs and said;

“Amma has directly touched the lives of 33 million people around the world, passing on a message of love, respect and positive energy to each and every one of those people. If each of those 33 million people could pass on the same message in their daily lives, just by doing the simple things, making time for each other, and sharing compassion, I think we could effect a real change in the world.”

I certainly intend to do this as much as I can and be part of spreading her message of giving love to everyone and seeing love in everyone. Of all the things I heard from our religious leaders in their speeches at the declaration today, this, to me is at the heart of an approach that could work to bring about that change.



If you are not on the organ donor register, please do click here for more information and to sign up.




If you are enjoying this blog, please help me to keep going and help crowdfund my Three A Day: Waiting project  and get some lovely postcards and an anthology, limited for only those who support and invest in the project.


Monday, 1 December 2014

Day Fifty-Two

1. On the first day of Christmas...


It's December 1st. We can officially and unashamedly get Christmassy. We don’t know if our transplant call will come before Christmas and so we need to make the most of every moment of the entire season, just in case we’re in hospital for the big day itself. If we get the call from any time between now and Christmas day we will be in. This is the only time in William’s life when I hope we will be in hospital for Christmas.

We have already spent several Christmases in hospital, including the Christmas after William’s first transplant in November 2008. Knowing what it is like to be away from home during this time of year, it was fantastic to be able to bring a bit of ‘Williams Wishes’ Christmas magic to some of the families who will be spending Christmas in Kings Hospital, under the care of the children’s intestinal transplant team. I managed to sort out all the hampers last night and had the first batch all sealed and ready to deliver which was a huge relief. My fab friend Hayley came with me which was fantastic. I could never have got them all over there and up to the ward on my own. We met some of the families who are going through all sorts of worries and challenges. I know a lot of how they are feeling and it felt amazing to be able to do something and see very real and heartfelt smiles on faces. I was asked how I manage to do this kind of thing along side all we are going though. Knowing that something good can come out of our own experiences and that we can use what we learn to help others makes the whole thing a positive. A good thing in some ways. So it keeps me positive and keeps me going.





It was a fantastic start to Christmas and set me up in a spirit I hope will continue though the month. The only downer of the day was that our Christmas tree was supposed to arrive today but is still marked as waiting to be dispatched so I hope that arrives soon so we can get the house festive.


2. A confession

I have a big confession to make and decided to play around with a poem in which to share it. This is very much my first workshop of the ideas. The form is no where near there yet, and it kind of changes as the poem goes on. It's by no means finished but is a start.


I’m not a modern day superwoman

I pick up my broken iron around three times a year
the rest of the time hang clothes with the accuracy needed
to ensure they dry straight

On most Sunday’s we have pasta
With maybe a roast once a month
or…once every couple of months

If there is desert it will be a yogurt
or maybe ice-cream
I bought pudding rice a month ago with the very best intentions
The packet is still sealed at the back of the cupboard

I’m not a modern day superwoman

I send my son to school in odd socks most mornings
I forget tissues and wipes on day trips
Our tooth fairy has forgotten to come many times

But the biggest confession I feel I must make
Is that, today, I ordered a ‘shop Christmas cake’


3. Modern slavery 


Tomorrow, The Global Freedom Network (GFN) will bring together faith leaders (including my Guru, Amma) forming a historic initiative to eradicate modern slavery by 2020 throughout our world and for all time.

They will sign the Joint Declaration of Religious Leaders against Modern Slavery to underline that modern slavery, in terms of human trafficking, forced labour and prostitution, organ trafficking, and any relationship that fails to respect the fundamental conviction that all people are equal and have the same freedom and dignity, is a crime against humanity, and must be recognised as such by everyone and by all nations.

Three years ago, I wrote this piece about human trafficking for Cosmopolitan Magazine. It tells the amazing story of an incredible and brave woman.

Each year, 4000 women are kidnapped and brought to the UK and forced to work as sex slaves and this figure is expected to increase steadily as we approach the 2012 London Olympics . So how do ordinary women end up trapped in such desperate circumstances? Survivor Oxana Kalemi, 35, bravely tells her story...

“I was out enjoying dinner with my boyfriend after a particularly busy week in the hairdressing salon I own and work in. As the waiter approached our table, I suddenly smelt the stench of cigarette smoke. Within seconds my mind was swimming and I was back there, in that London brothel, a sweating client reeking of stale aftershave and cigarettes bearing down on me...

Thankfully that part of my life – where I was forced to sleep with up to 13 men a night – is now behind me but that doesn’t stop flashbacks and nightmares from haunting my present.
Ten years ago I was living in a small town in the Ukraine. I had three small children; two boys, Sasha, who was nine and seven-year-old Pasha and a girl named Luda who was six. I had split up from their dad and was struggling to get by as a single mum. Our home was damp and draughty and the children and I often went hungry. I was desperate to give them a better future but no matter how hard I worked  I was never able to save enough to buy us a decent house.

One day, my friend Marianna told me about this job in a casino in Bosnia where I could earn £500 a month – not a huge amount, but more than I’d ever earned before and certainly a big wage for someone in the Ukraine at that time.  It would mean being apart from the children while I found somewhere to live and get settled but I didn’t feel I had any choice. This was my opportunity to make a better life for us – it was heartbreaking but I asked my sister-in-law if she’d look after them for me.
The day I left, I hugged the children hard and blinked back tears while promising to see them very soon.  Then Marianna and I set off, travelling first by bus to the station where we would catch a train to Romania. But when we got there, Marianna said she had a problem with her passport.

“I’m not going to be able to go,” she said. “But you should.” She reassured me that her boyfriend would meet me at the other end and she’d catch me up as soon as she could.
After a lonely twelve hour journey, I arrived in Romania where I was met by Marianna’s boyfriend Leo. But instead of taking me to the casino, he took me to an apartment in a small town, which was owned by a woman named Olga.
I was quickly ushered into the flat and into a room and I instantly knew something wasn’t right. There was a stench of dirt in the air, the carpet was threadbare and there was just one stained bed in the middle of the room.

 “I don’t understand. Why am I here? What about the casino?” I said, my mind starting to race.
“There is no casino,” Olga replied.
“But Marianna arranged it,” I said. “I gave her all my money, £200 for tickets – we’re going to work there together...”
“There /is/ no casino,” she repeated. “You’re mine now.”

My mind lurched as Olga explained that Marianna – my so-called friend – had ‘sold’ me to her. I was now her ‘property,’ a 21st century slave.
In disbelief, I scanned the room for a means of escape and suddenly noticed that every window was barred. We’d had to go through two sets of locked doors just to get in. I was trapped. I began to scream but no sound came out of my mouth.
That night, I lay awake all night, locked in the bedroom. Shock, despair, horror – I must have gone through every possible emotion. I was so far from my hometown, miles from my children – how had my life ended up here?

BOUGHT AND SOLD

Over the next few days, I realised that Olga’s home was a ‘halfway house’. Olga bought girls to sell on to traffickers who would put them to work as prostitutes across Europe. There were two other women with me in Olga’s flat, but we all spoke different languages and couldn’t communicate beyond expressions and gestures.

For the first few days I felt totally desperate – I was trapped and could see no way out. I even thought about killing myself but I knew I had to stay alive for my children’s sake.
After a week, Olga ‘sold’ me and for the next three months, I was bought and sold by various gangs across Eastern Europe. Along with other women, I’d be held in apartments and hotels and be forced into sex with the bodyguards who accompanied us wherever we went. The first time I was pushed into a bedroom and onto a mattress while a bodyguard stripped off his clothes. “Come on, quickly, undress,” He ordered. At first I tried to refuse but the response was simple: “You’re going to be a prostitute so you have to learn to do this with everyone.” Each time I changed hands, I’d hear the same chilling threat: “We have your passport and we know where your children are. We can’t kill you because we need you to make us money but we can kill them.”

I was terrified. I’d weep myself to sleep. Every day I would shower, scrubbing my skin as hard as I could but I knew I’d never been clean again.
I ended up in Albania, where I was bought by Ardy, a young man who became my pimp. Ardy was slim with blue eyes and a boyish hair cut. He looked no older than sixteen. Once again, he told me my children would be harmed if I escaped or failed to make him enough money. I knew they knew where my kids were so the only option was to play by his rules.
For 15 months, my existence – it wasn’t a life – took on an awful shape. After a long and painful shift of sleeping with men in bars or often in their cars, Ardy would insist that I had sex with him in the bed we shared every night. He kept all the money I earned, saying I owed it to him for my keep and to cover his own costs. I once tried to hide some of my tips in the hope of sending them home. When Ardy found out, he beat me.

After nearly a year working on streets and in bars, Ardy suddenly announced we were going to England where I would make him rich.
I made the journey from Brussels to England in the back of a lorry, hidden at the bottom of a container filled with hubcaps. It was horrendous. The journey took all day and I had no space to move and little air to breathe.

We arrived in Birmingham where I was immediately put to work in a brothel that masqueraded as a sauna. There were about ten other girls working there but unable to speak English, I was isolated and lonely. Ardy would never leave my side – throughout my 12-hour shifts, he’d wait outside in the car. The only time I got to cry was in the shower, where the running water masked the sound of my sobs and I could blame my red eyes on the soap. I was trapped in a world of pain with no means of escape. I still had nothing in return for my ‘work’, apart from the clothes and food Ardy bought for me.
After two months, we left for London. There, I would see up to 13 men a night in a massage parlour. I was often left exhausted and in agonising pain from so much sex, especially when the punters were rough with me, but Ardy would never allow me to rest. By then, I hadn’t seen my children for 15 months – I wasn’t allowed to call them and used to wonder how they’d changed.

My only friend at the massage parlour was the receptionist, a Turkish woman called Naz. She’d guessed I’d been trafficked and one day she asked me why I didn’t run away. I told her that Ardy had threatened to harm the children if I tried and her response stunned me: “They all say that. He’s lying to you.”

Suddenly anger bubbled up inside me. I’d experienced endless abuse, pain, even rape at the hands of the ‘clients’ he’d forced on me. Maybe she was right. They treated me as worthless – would they really hurt my children? With those few words, Naz suddenly made me think that escape just /might/ be possible.

FINDING FREEDOM

I packed a bag and hid it in the wardrobe so that at my first opportunity, I could run. That chance came a few weeks later when Ardy went to the shop for milk. As usual, he locked me in the house but I took my chance, grabbed my bag and smashed the bathroom window. I jumped out, ran to the main street and hailed a taxi to take me to a massage parlour on the other side of London where Naz had arranged for me to hide. Adrenaline surged through my body, I’d never felt relief – or fear – like it.

I was offered work as a prostitute in the massage parlour but I refused and took a job on reception.
A few weeks after that, the parlour was raided by police. I was questioned and for the first time, my whole story came tumbling out. I told them all about Olga and all about Ardy and everything they had put me through. Despite what Ardy had said, everyone believed me. The next morning, one of the officers came back with a small blonde woman.

“Hello Oxana,” she said, “I’m Sally and I’m here to help you.” Sally had come from the POPPY project, a charity that helps women like me who have been trafficked into the UK. She took me to a safe house and showed me to the most beautiful little room I’d ever seen. It was decorate in warm purple colours and had a clean sink in the corner and a little wooden bed with fresh brand new sheets  – such a contrast to the stark, empty, soulless rooms I had stayed in with Ardy.

I told Sally about my children and spent the next four years living in a POPPY safe house, learning English and preparing my case for asylum to stay in the UK. But the horror of what I’d been through still lingered. I would spend my nights sweating and shaking – the little sleep I had was dominated by nightmares and I would wake feeling ashamed and frightened.

By day, I tried to contact my children – but they were no longer with my sister-in-law. I was missing for so long that the Ukrainian authorities put the children in an orphanage and my beautiful daughter Luda is believed to have been illegally adopted by a couple from the US. It was absolutely devastating but I’m working hard to find her and I speak to my boys every single week.

Since making England my home, I’ve been to college, have my own hairdressing business and have met Steve, my boyfriend, who is kind and gentle and supports me in trying to get my family back together. My boys are young adults now. They have now left orphanage and have their own lives. I hope one day they will join me in the UK but they don’t want to at the moment.

Being trafficked into the sex trade very nearly killed me but having experienced the very worst kind of pain and the very worst kind of people, I’m proud to have come through the other side.

You can read more about Oxana’s life in her book Mummy Come Home (HarperElement, £6.99)


PEOPLE FOR SALE

Oxana’s story may be shocking, but it’s the tragic reality for thousands of individuals who are trafficked into the UK every year, whose stories often follow a similar pattern. A Government report in 2009 estimated that at least 5,000 people are trafficked into the UK annually but given the illicit, underground nature of this human slave trade, the real number is likely to be much higher.

And now, as we build up to the London Olympics, services and charities that help trafficked women are bracing themselves for a potential surge in trafficking.
Historically, large sporting events have seen a spike in this awful crime; trafficking in Athens almost doubled during the 2004 Olympics and off-street prostitution in Vancouver increased five-fold during the 2010 Winter Olympic Games.

Even now, with more than a year to go until the games, the growth signs are there, with prostitution in the area near the main London stadium sites doubling during 2010. The reason for the rise is simple: in the run up, there’s a sudden need for a large and cheap construction workforce and then the event itself brings tens of thousands of visitors, demanding cheap goods, hotels, restaurants and sadly, sex. Traffickers too see the event as an opportunity to trick vulnerable people into thinking there will be well-paid work waiting for them.

To combat this, the Metropolitan police and POPPY, an organisation that rescues women from trafficking and helps them access medical, emotional and legal support, are planning events to raise awareness – from warning taxi drivers about the sex trade through to educating hotel staff about the signs of trafficking.

Detective Chief Superintendent Richard Martin commands the Metropolitan Police Human Exploitation and Organised Crime Unit. He says: “We are ready should there be an increase in 2012 but we dedicate every day to preventing trafficking, bringing traffickers to justice and, above all, making sure that the victims of this appalling crime are supported.” The Met are also launching a poster campaign to raise public awareness and to provide a helpline number for women who have been trafficked into the UK. DCS Martin explains “We’ll be placing these hard hitting posters in saunas, massage parlours and supermarkets, where research has shown they are most likely to be seen by trafficking victims.”

But many believe that not enough is being done. POPPY’s funding is under threat and currently, the UK is one of only two EU member states that have not opted into a Europe-wide directive to prevent trafficking and support victims.

Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper said: “Despite saying tackling trafficking is a priority, ministers are weakening essential safeguards, leaving victims at greater risk ... That’s why the Government must do more to make the UK a hostile territory for traffickers. They should also use next year’s Olympic Games to make clear that buying sex from imprisoned women is not a sport.”

THE FACTS

600,000-800,000 men, women and children are trafficked across international borders each year. Approximately 80% are women and girls.

POPPY provide the only safe-houses for trafficking victims in the UK. There are only 54 beds available for women. There are no specialised refuges for men or children.

In London alone, there are 8,000 women working in off-street prostitution. 80% of these are foreign nationals, many of whom may have been trafficked.
Paying for sex with a victim of trafficking is a criminal offence that can result in a prison sentence.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

There are many things you can do to help women like Oxana

POPPY rely on donations from people like you. You can find out more about their work and how to donate or fundraise for them by visiting www.eaves4women.co.uk

Stop the Traffik is an international charity that campaigns to end human trafficking. Visit their website www.stopthetraffik.org for further information

If you suspect someone may be a victim of trafficking, you should call your local police or POPPY’s 24-hour helpline on 020 7735 2062. Always call 999 if someone is in immediate danger of any harm and don’t put yourself at risk by approaching a pimp or entering any form of brothel.